Age Groups
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Adults Without Teens
Maybe you have no kids at all. Maybe you have kids, but they’re not the right age for this program. Maybe your kids are grown and gone. In any case, you aren’t doing this program with your own teenage offspring.
The program is designed for parents and teens together, but with some minor adaptation it can be used for a group of adults. The leader role can be rotated among adults, and you can simply ignore the bits referencing parents and teens.
Ideally, your group has some genuine differences in life experiences and opinions. Don’t feel you need to find a group that is ideologically matched. The program is deliberately designed for participants to be able to have meaningful conversations about important things, even if the conversation doesn’t end with agreement. Good people can disagree about important things. Conversation prompts are designed to let participants discuss concepts in a mostly theoretical way. Personal sharing of private experiences is neither required nor expected.
Ideally, discussion happens in person. But if that doesn’t work for you, video chats, phone calls, or even discussion boards are okay. The quality of the discussions will be better in person, but life is imperfect. Do what works for your group.
This program can also be used for a romantic couple. Whether you’ve been married for decades, considering getting married, or just getting to know each other, the program will likely help you learn something new about your sweetheart. It’s a fantastic way for couples to support each other’s growth and improve communication.
Get free sample sessions 14+ program.
Parents of Teens Age 14+
Are you a parent looking for sex ed for your teenagers?
Whether homeschooling full time, homeschooling part time, or just looking for some supplementary education, sex ed has often been a hard subject to teach.
• How do you start the conversations?
• What should you talk about?
• How do you structure the conversation so it isn’t just a lecture?
• How do you adapt the material for your teen’s unique needs?
• How do you find something that reflects your personal values and beliefs?
• How do you help your teen develop a coherent moral compass around sexuality?
• Is it even okay for parents to discuss this with teens?
The answer to that last question is yes! Teens find these conversations awkward, but they do want to know what you think, and why. They want to know if it’s safe to disagree. They want to share what they believe and see how you react. These conversations build strong relationships, and most teens want that…even if they won’t admit it out loud!
Important exception: parents who have ever had any sexual contact with children are disqualified to teach this. No exceptions. If this is part of your history, find a trustworthy adult and delegate.
Get free sample sessions 14+ program.
Parents of children under 14
Integrative Sexuality Education doesn't yet have any programs appropriate for kids under 14. Sorry! Put in a vote and add yourself to the mailing list if you want to be informed when that situation changes.
However, you can still start now. Parents of younger children are strongly encouraged to go through the 14+ program as adults, without the kids. Ideally, this class would involve all the adults who have a significant parental influence in your child's life. Presumably this includes your spouse, if you have one. This program can be a great couple's activity after the kids have gone to bed. However, many folks parent with a larger tribe than just a spouse. If you co-parent with a larger group, it's usually more practical to have adults listen to the recording separately, then have conversations as time allows. (Important ethical note: if you're asking a nanny to go through this program outside of regular work hours, please be sure to pay wages for that time.)
DO NOT let kids listen to the recordings, since they are far too explicit for children. Be mindful of the kids while you're having conversations. Some of these conversations can be entirely appropriate and even healthy for kids to overhear. However, explicit information or conversations exploring strongly held differences of opinion should probably not happen in front of children. Short version: don't fight about values in front of the kids!
Many parents discover that clarifying personal values has a powerful positive impact on subsequent conversations with children. Popular culture is saturated with messages about sex, sexuality, bodies, and relationships. Some of these are likely compatible with your values, others are not. Each presents a teachable moment. Use these opportunities for a short conversation that is quick, comfortable, and perfectly designed for your child's age and interests.
Teens 14+
Thanks for looking at Integrative Sex Ed!
Do you want to enter adulthood with a solid understanding of sexuality?
Are you getting conflicting messages about sex and sexuality?
Is sex ed required in your state, but you hate the classes at your school?
Do you want to discuss these topics with your parents, but you’re not sure how?
Do you have some different ideas about sex from your parents, but you’re not sure how to bring up the subject without starting a fight?
Are you trying to improve your relationship with your parents, but you’re not sure how?
The program is deliberately designed for participants to be able to have meaningful conversations about important things, even if the conversation doesn’t end with agreement. Good people can disagree about important things. Conversation prompts are designed to let participants discuss concepts in a mostly theoretical way. Personal sharing of private experiences is neither required nor expected.
Important caveat: Even if you consider the contact trivial or consensual, an adult who has had sexual contact with a minor is disqualified from leading this sex ed program. No exceptions. If there’s a safe adult in a parent-like role in your life, they can go through the program with you, as long as your legal guardian consents.
Special consideration for special situations: Let's be honest. Not all parents are safe and not all parents are present in the life of their teen. However, I do not recommend going through this program if you are a minor living at home and your parents or guardians do not consent to you going through this program. Wait until you're 18. The program will still be here for you when you're a legal adult. If you are formally or informally emancipated and no longer living with any legal guardian, that's a different situation. You are functionally an adult. Click on the "Adults" tab for information. Sorry you had to take on adulthood a little early and I hope this program will be helpful for you.
Get free sample sessions 14+ program.
8 Tips for talking with kids under 14.
1. Don't stress about planning "the talk". That's a trope from fiction and simpler times. "The talk" doesn't exist in a complex modern society. Instead, plan on having thousands of small talks as teachable moments come up over the years. Some of these talks might last for 5 seconds, others may go on for hours.
2. When a child asks a question, listen carefully to determine what the child really wants to know. For example, “where do babies come from?” is usually a question about pregnancy, not sexual intercourse. Ask your own question to clarify what they really want to know. Good clarifying questions are “what do you think?” or “that’s a big question, can you tell me what you already know?” Once you truly understand the child’s question, answer as simply as possible. Don't overwhelm a child with more information than they need or want. When your child is satisfied and ready to go do something else, let that transition happen naturally.
3. Notice messages in children's books, popular music, and advertising. Make those messages explicit and ask questions about them. For example: “that ad seems to be saying that the right brand of snacks will make people like you. Do you think that’s true?” Or “the man in this song is keeping a promise to his wife. I like that.” Or “this story says they lived happily ever after. I don’t know anyone who lives happily all the time. I bet they get grumpy with each other sometimes. What do you think they might get grumpy about?” When the child is ready to go do something else, wrap up the conversation. Remember, you don’t have to say everything all at once!
4. Become comfortable with discussing all body parts in a matter-of-fact way. Talk about the vulva and penis with the same tone you use to talk about fingers and toes. Your child should know the names for all major external body parts. A casual, confident understanding of body parts helps protect your child from sexual predators. Often sexual predators use shame and secrecy around genitals as a weapon. A child who can confidently and loudly say "don't touch my vulva!" is at lower risk for sexual abuse. A child who comfortably talks to parents about body parts is also more likely to tell parents about inappropriate interactions. This is especially true if the interaction was not traumatic, and the child is completely unaware that anything inappropriate occurred. This allows parents to intervene early to protect the child.
5. Teach your child clear boundaries about what is required, what is forbidden, and what is optional. These will be different for every family, and will change with age. Give your child some areas in which they are empowered to make choices and hold boundaries. Teach that within these areas, their consent matters and they can choose to say yes or no according to the courtesy rules of your family and your culture. Also teach that there are some areas in which children may NOT consent. For example, children may not consent to leaping off a high cliff. Loving parents prevent this sort of thing until children are old enough to understand that capes do not impart magical flying powers! Whatever the specifics for your family, be sure to share these explicitly with your children. Acknowledge that other families have different rules. Ask your child to tell you immediately if another person encourages them to violate family rules.
6. Get into the habit of asking children “best and worst” about the day instead of merely “did you have fun?” or “were you good?” Asking kids to think about the best thing of the day and the worst thing of the day is a good mental health practice. It also creates a norm of communication and provides an invitation for your children to talk to you about the important events in their lives.
7. Be aware that puberty often begins in elementary school. Follow your nose. If your child is 8 or 9 and starting to get unusually smelly, it’s time to start talking about puberty. Your local children's librarian or bookstore can help you find a suitable book to explain the upcoming bodily changes.
8. When selecting books about pregnancy, anatomy, or puberty for your child, be sure to pre-read them. Check that the information is accurate. Check that it is appropriate for your child and your values. Look carefully at both text and pictures. Trust your intuition. You know your child. Looking through the book should trigger feelings of interest and curiosity, maybe even a little relief! If the book triggers feelings of discomfort or unease, pick a different book. A visceral distaste for the art style is a legitimate reason to reject a book. Keep looking until you find something that feels right. Also remember that you don’t have to read an entire book to your child. It’s okay to skip pages that you dislike, or even photocopy single pages that you do like. Mix and match to find what’s best for you and your child.